It started like many nights. A friend invited me over to hang out with his coworker. We picked up some drinks, went back to his place, smoked a bit, and started chatting. Everything felt normal until the two men left the room. My friend came back and mentioned his coworker had expressed some interest in me. I was a little surprised because my relationship status was known, but I decided to just be polite. I didn't want to make things awkward, and I figured nothing would come of it with my friend right there. Then, the coworker came back upstairs. Not long after, my friend fell fast asleep.
The coworker moved closer to me on the couch. He tried to get me to drink from a red cup he was holding. I said no a few times, but eventually, I gave in. It didn't taste like much. Soon after, I started feeling sick and decided to lie down. I had only had two drinks, plus whatever was in his cup. He then put a fruit snack in his mouth and said it would make me feel better. I started feeling dizzy. I resisted again, but he put his face right in front of mine. I tried to take the fruit snack from his mouth with my teeth so I wouldn't have to touch him. That's when he forced his lips on mine. I tried to pull away, but I couldn't move my arms or legs. I was stuck. I tried to say no, but my words were slurred and didn't work. I knew what was happening and just closed my eyes, wishing it would be over. He raped me.
After he was done, he acted like nothing happened. He cuddled me, stroked my hair, and said he would take care of me. I passed out soon after.
The next morning, my mother picked me up. When she saw the marks on my neck, I finally broke down and told her I had been raped. She wanted me to go to the hospital for a rape kit, but I was too scared about missing work and just wanted to forget everything. I tried to go back to normal, but soon after, I was in a special program for PTSD.
A Shocking Discovery
Around that time, I had an ovarian cyst that needed regular check-ups with an ultrasound. I went to my appointment exactly one month after the assault. During the scan, I saw a small circle on the screen. I didn't think much of it, maybe a blood clot since my period was a little late. The technician finished and called the doctor. I didn't hear their talk, but the doctor came down to speak with me. He asked if I was sure I hadn't been sexually active. I cried and told him no, but that I had just been raped. He told me the circle on the ultrasound might be an embryo and that I needed to take a pregnancy test.
I called my partner after giving my sample and just wept. He stayed calm and promised he would be there for me no matter what. The doctor came back with a serious look and delivered the news. I was pregnant. I cried for what felt like forever. My mother and I left, and she told me she would support whatever I decided. I already knew what I was going to do.
The Long Wait for Freedom
I called Planned Parenthood to schedule an abortion. They told me it would take two weeks because I had to attend an information meeting first. Those two weeks were the longest of my life.
I was terrified to leave my house, convinced everyone would know about the secret I was carrying. I felt like the embryo was a parasite planted by my attacker, draining my life. I was in constant emotional pain, replaying what he did and feeling my body change. I had never felt such body distress. I couldn't look in the mirror or be naked for more than 30 seconds. I was switching between feeling numb and having flashbacks. The program I was in wouldn't give me stronger anxiety medication because it could harm the embryo, even though I begged them and promised I was certain about terminating. It was a daily struggle not to end my own life.